So here's the thing...

Worrying about where to start has stopped me putting pen to paper for so many years.

A long time ago probably in in my early teens, I realised I loved to write. It can be a real eye opener to see on paper how much is going on in your brain until you write it down and how much it can help you with what you are going through at that particular time. It's therapy for sure. However for me my writing was put to an abrupt end, when someone told me be careful about what you put down on paper, as it can never be taken back. It scared me. 

I totally looked up to this person and took everything they said as gospel, so with that advice I stopped writing in my diary, tore the whole book up and didn't write anything else, for a very long time 😟.

I think it would have helped so much in my teenage years and especially when I entered motherhood. Like with us all, there are many emotional journeys we go on throughout our lives.

The one I want to air at this moment in time is the one I experienced in February 2000, when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

Documenting it would have helped me so much to deal with what I was going through at the time. Maybe it would have helped other women in some way who had been unfortunately diagnosed with the same disease. If I could have published it as a help leaflet showing my experience, they could feel a little less alone or frightened. For me at that time I felt there was nothing out there. 

The Internet was in its early stages and social media was non-existent. After the removal of my tumour and a small procedure to clear the area around where the tumour was, the consultants where not happy it was enough. I was getting ready to run my second marathon that April. I needed to have another small procedure which was a given thing that happened after the initial removal. I was still in shock and could only think about my race. I made sure the consultant was aware of my entry into the London Marathon and he was happy that there was not a problem with waiting till I had raced 😊.

Leading up to the race was a very emotional one and things started to sink in. I had a cancerous tumour, it's now gone but without treatment I would not be here today. My husband would be a widow and my boys without a mum. I snapped out of this thinking quick and got on with the job in hand.

When I originally applied for the race Summer 1999, it was just a case of bettering my previous time - which wouldn't have taken much as I walked the last 8 miles. Only now it had become more important for me to run, to raise as much money as possible for two charities that played a big part in my life at the time of diagnosis. 

Within a week of having run the race I was booked in for my procedure. I had finished with an ok time but most importantly, I had raised a lot of pennies. I was happy to go and finish what needed to be done. I remember chatting to two nurses who knew I had run the marathon. To this day I'm not sure how they knew about me being in the London Marathon, maybe the consultant had briefed them quick. A little bit of small talk before they proceed with my operation. In whatever context they where given this information I was chuffed all the same. I wasn't expecting that recognition. It had reassured me that I had done the right thing in going ahead running the race and having no regrets went along way with my recovery. 

The procedure went well, but that was not the end of it. It was strongly suggested that I had a hysterectomy. This was going to give me the best chance possible of lessening the risk of the cancer spreading. It was very unexpected. In my mind I had ticked that box. The tumour was gone and I could get on with life, it was just a blip. The consultant explained to me that not enough was known about this particular type of tumour. There was a chance that it could still have spread, they needed to be sure the all chances of this happening where to be taken away. All I could think of was that I was only 30. In my head a hysterectomy was not for my age group. We had 3 boys, then aged 4, 6 and 8 and as amazing as it was, it would of course mean any chance of trying again and maybe having a girl, was suddenly taken away.

I felt lost and didn't know where turn. I didn't need medical advice, I was in safe hands with my consultant as far as treating the cancer but I did feel very alone. I felt like the only woman who had ever gone through this. It sounds very dramatic but at the time, that is how I felt. I know it would have helped to have access to other people's experience of the same thing. There was nothing.

I started to write things down, things that had happened and things that were said to me when I was diagnosed, but I never kept it up.

Our boys where young and I just wanted to give them all my time and not waste a single moment. Now 17 years later, they are all grown up with lives of their own and it's my chance to put things right!

It's really a little late for me to back track and record the rest of my cancer journey, but I can make the most of my second chance and put all my efforts into fundraising for a cause that I am forever grateful for.

It's unfinished business.

With the help of consultants, Mr. Katesmart in particular, various doctors and nurses, Maureen and her colleague from Leatherhead clinic, along with family members and friends. I have a chance to carry on my life with my family and see our boys grow up. For years I've tried to do as much as I could and have raised some money for Cancer Research and the Royal Marsden trust, but I know I can do more and raise awareness of a cancer that still isn't talked about enough. It's got better over the years but there is still room for improvement.

So I start from today, right now with the help of my iPad that my family bought for me a couple of years ago and a blog bought on Mother's Day this year by our eldest son Christopher.

With all this assistance I have no excuse to fulfil my quest, so here it is...

I will be 50 on 12th April 2020. I will be able to celebrate it thanks to the staff from the time, at Leatherhead Clinic, the Royal Marsden, Epsom Hospital and Cancer Research.

After much thought I'm going to stick with the title 50k for 50 years.

Not very original, but for now it "does what it says on the tin" or in this case, my blog 😊. If I think of something more catchy I can adjust it later. For now I just need to start the challenge.

By the end of my 50th year, 11th April 2020, I want to have learned and achieved 50 new skills. Including number one on the list - raising £50,000. This will be divided between Cancer Research and the Royal Marsden.

None of the challenges will involve tandem jumps or marathons as I've already ticked those boxes, but challenges all the same. There is so much that I admire in other people. Skills that they have and are completely unaware of, how cool that skill is. It's just something that they may have learned along the way.

When I say people, I mean my friends and family. With their help I going to learn some of them and hopefully keep that skill for life.

Instead of sitting back and saying I've always wanted to do something, I'm going to put my money, or in this case actions, where my mouth is. 

Once this is posted there will be no going back and you have my assurance that I will do everything in my power to raise these funds.

Thank for your time and I look forward to bring as many of you as possible on this journey, wherever it may take us.

Here's to the future. 

Best wishes,

Trixie 😘